Robbing the future Me

 

A thought that I have had reoccuring lately in my head, is the concept of robbing our future selves. It came to light in a practical way, when I was considering the cost of people using credit cards. I realized that using them now, was in a way robbing from our future selves…taking money we would have then and using it to buy something now. But the thing is–we have no way of knowing if the future us can afford that, and therein lies the problem so many people face.

The thought went deeper tonight as I was doing the dishes after dinner. I considered just saving the pots and pans for tomorrow…after all, I was tired. I wanted to sit and relax. But then it hit me again…not doing those dishes would be robbing the tomorrow Liz of her time. So many times in the past I have just put things off. We lovingly call it procrastinating and call ourselves experts in the field. But all we are really doing is robbing time from the future.

Then the thought trailed backwards in my mind. I thought of a young man and young woman, desperately in love. Finding in each other a soul mate…someone who would be there for them and take care of them. Although not bound yet in marriage, binding themselved together intimately in a way God only designed for marriage. Robbing their future selves of the joy, respect and blessing that comes with waiting. Of course, in all these situations God can redeem what was stolen…but the trials our future selves will face are unfathomable to our present selves when we make those choices.

When we make decisions today, be it with our time, our money or our relationships…remember what impact it can have on the future us. And pause for a moment to think…is it worth it?

Its that time of day again.

{via}

The kids are in bed (hopefully asleep). I’ve sat down at my computer or at the TV and I’m tired…so tired…but I need some sort of connection to the outside world. Or I need to do something to occupy my mind and unwind at the end of a long day. If I don’t, I’ll rehash all the mistakes I’ve made today, think long and hard about all the things I need to get done, or just remember that my best friend and husband is on the other side of the world. And he’s not coming through that door tonight. Life is tough right now. I was never prepared for this and honestly I had no idea what to expect. I’ve got the “one day at a time” thing down pat. I’ve got the “push forward with goals” thing going. I’ve got the “busy that comes with 3 kids” down to a science. But what I don’t have is him. I don’t have my sounding board at the end of the day. I don’t have someone to just be present with me. I don’t have that spiritual connection with another human being, who sees me for who I am, who I used to be, who he knows I can be–and loves me through all of that. And I feel so empty. And then I am urged–by the Holy Spirit–knowing that God wants to be that for me right now…right in this hardness of life. When I’m weak, when I’m broken, when I’m failing and flailing…trying to keep my head above water. He is my Creator. He is my Refuge, my Comforter. Before Joel ever was, He was. And He was enough for me then. Why am I not letting Him be enough for me now? This is my constant struggle. Realizing that I I’ve placed my husband as the center of my world once again. And how do I not do that anymore? How do I not let the loneliness overwhelm me. How do I not let depression seep in and take root and grow…overwhelming any chance at a calm home life. The Word.

“For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self control.” (2 Timothy 1:7 ESV)

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints, and also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains, that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak.”   (Ephesians 6:10-20 ESV)

“ And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” (Philippians 1:6 ESV)

“Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” So we can confidently say,  “The Lord is my helper;   I will not fear;  what can man do to me?” (Hebrews 13:5-6 ESV)

I have to remember the promises He gave to me. I have to remember that He promised to take care of me always. I have to remember not to be anxious for anything. I have to remember that it is in Him I live and move and have my being.

I still struggle with turning off the computer. Looking at the empty right side of the bed. Turning off the light. Closing my eyes…tossing and turning and tossing some more. Wishing he were here. Wondering what he’s doing at this very moment. Praying he will come home safe, healthy, whole. But, I.AM.NOT.ALONE.

Its that time of day again.

The kids are in bed (hopefully asleep). I’ve sat down at my computer or at the TV and I’m tired…so tired…but I need some sort of connection to the outside world. Or I need to do something to occupy my mind and unwind at the end of a long day. If I don’t, I’ll rehash all the mistakes I’ve made today, think long and hard about all the things I need to get done, or just remember that my best friend and husband is on the other side of the world. And he’s not coming through that door tonight. Life is tough right now. I was never prepared for this and honestly I had no idea what to expect. I’ve got the “one day at a time” thing down pat. I’ve got the “push forward with goals” thing going. I’ve got the “busy that comes with 3 kids” down to a science. But what I don’t have is him. I don’t have my sounding board at the end of the day. I don’t have someone to just be present with me. I don’t have that spiritual connection with another human being, who sees me for who I am, who I used to be, who he knows I can be–and loves me through all of that. And I feel so empty. And then I am urged–by the Holy Spirit–knowing that God wants to be that for me right now…right in this hardness of life. When I’m weak, when I’m broken, when I’m failing and flailing…trying to keep my head above water. He is my Creator. He is my Refuge, my Comforter. Before Joel ever was, He was. And He was enough for me then. Why am I not letting Him be enough for me now? This is my constant struggle. Realizing that I I’ve placed my husband as the center of my world once again. And how do I not do that anymore? How do I not let the loneliness overwhelm me. How do I not let depression seep in and take root and grow…overwhelming any chance at a calm home life. The Word.

“For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self control.” (2 Timothy 1:7 ESV)

 ”Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints, and also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains, that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak.”   (Ephesians 6:10-20 ESV)

“ And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” (Philippians 1:6 ESV)

 ”Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” So we can confidently say,  “The Lord is my helper;   I will not fear;  what can man do to me?” (Hebrews 13:5-6 ESV)

I have to remember the promises He gave to me. I have to remember that He promised to take care of me always. I have to remember not to be anxious for anything. I have to remember that it is in Him I live and move and have my being.

I still struggle with turning off the computer. Looking at the empty right side of the bed. Turning off the light. Closing my eyes…tossing and turning and tossing some more. Wishing he were here. Wondering what he’s doing at this very moment. Praying he will come home safe, healthy, whole. But, I.AM.NOT.ALONE.

 

 

What a Military Wife needs the most.

Or I should say, what THIS military wife needs the most.

People always ask me how I’m doing and how the kids are and quite frankly I don’t know how to answer that question. I know its a nice thing to say, and I appreciate all the thoughtfulness and support. But when asked that question lately, I say “Pretty good.” or “I’m doing okay.” I don’t quite know how to explain to someone what it feels like to have my very best friend in the whole world shipped to the other side of the planet. How to express what it feels like to explain to my children why Daddy can’t be here to do all the things he normally does. What its like to feel a physical ache in my heart every waking moment. To tell myself not to worry, to trust God, and to pray throughout my day that He would bring him home safe and whole. Quite frankly when someone asks me how I am, some days I just want to say “Things suck right now.”

I seem to be able to walk a fine line between depressed and content most days. Don’t get me wrong…When I look at life as a whole, I feel extremely blessed to have 3 healthy children, a place to live, food on our table and money to pay bills. I’m blessed to have a husband who loves and cares about me and our kids. And in that light, I feel guilty for even thinking of complaining about the situation we are in. But what I wish people would see and extend to me is a whole lot of Grace. I am saturated in Grace on a daily basis. I don’t know how to be a single mom. (I have extreme respect for those mom’s who have to walk parenting alone, no matter what the circumstances.) I pretty much know EVERY area that I fail in on a DAILY basis. I know my house is cluttered and messy. I know that some days I have to pick my battles with my children, and that leaves me feeling like I’m not a good enough parent. I know that I should lean more into the Lord and less on my own strength.

But I ALSO know that I had a choice this morning. Every fiber of my being did not want to get out of bed. I didn’t want to welcome a new day without my husband physically by my side. I didn’t want to clean up after and bathe a child who had an explosive diaper at 6am. I didn’t want to feel the constant ache in my back from bringing 3 children into the world in 4 years time. I didn’t want to feel my joints stiff from the disease that has settled in me for the past 6 years. If I had chosen differently today, I would have huddled under the blankets and cried.

But today I chose to do my best. Got my kids ready for a birthday party. Laughed and conversed with dear friends who care for me. Tried not to lose my temper when my children had random meltdowns for no apparent reason. I wish when people asked me how I am doing, I could reply, “I’m doing my best.” And I wish I didn’t feel like my best just isn’t good enough.

What I need most is Grace. And an understanding that if my best isn’t good enough, God will meet me where I am and make it so. But then again, don’t we all?

Psalm 18:28-31 (ESV)

28  For it is you who light my lamp; the LORD my God lightens my darkness.  29  For by you I can run against a troop, and by my God I can leap over a wall.  30  This God–his way is perfect; the word of the LORD proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him.  31  For who is God, but the LORD? And who is a rock, except our God?

Words

I’ve been waiting to have something to say, and not just words on a post. I’m tired of filling empty spaces on social networks for the sake of saying something; anything, really, just to let you know that I’m still alive. Barely surviving most days I feel, but alive none the less. I want to actually have something to say. And have it be something that’s worth reading. I’m so tired of filling my days with complacency…one moment leading to the next moment, that will lead me to the moment this year and this test is over. I feel so tired-so lifeless. So passionless. I’ve found that when I feel this way, all I have to do is look up, and realize just how far I’ve let myself wander away from my Saviors hand. No wonder I can’t see where I’m going…I’m walking around in circles in the dark. How to I combat this endless war with self? The part of me that just wants to be satiated and sedated and barely squeak by…to get to the ‘easy’ part. How do I let the messiness of life not destroy me, but rather embolden me and enrapture me and encourage me on to a better destiny? I’m finding it starts with one tiny step. One small choice. One morning awakening before the sun, to awaken my soul with my creator. One choice of tuning out the world and tuning into His voice. It starts with every word I speak, choosing the positive over the negative. To bless, rather than curse. To heal, rather than hurt. A choice to love others more, myself less. This, my friends, is the year of choices. Choosing the right things. Making the right choices, even if they are hard choices. Ready or not…

Looking back at 2011; Looking forward to 2012

The holidays are over, and 2011 is coming to a close. I was drawn back to my sad, neglected blog to review what my word for 2011 was…Refuge. As I contemplate where I was last year and where I am this year, I don’t see an overwhelming transformation. But I see some small, important changes. In 2011 I became Content. I learned to stop wishing for the next new thing, or the next new place to live..but to just live in this moment, and make the best of it.  I relearned how to support my husband, to stand behind him, respect him and love him. I had lost my footing behind him, I had let go of his leading hand; and I had found myself trying to elbow my way ahead of him. With that, came dischord…I was off-key. I’ve always thought of me and Joel’s marriage as a song, with me being the harmony to his melody, and vice-versa. I had to take an honest look at my trust issues, and determine in my heart to trust Joel with everything. I think we are better for it at the close of this year. This year was, ironically enough, the beginning of our first deployment. At a going away party for Joel our friend read aloud Psalm 91…which was the scripture for my year of refuge. I have had to remind myself over and over to take refuge in the Lord, for He knows and sees all things…and is the only place that I can truly be safe. I’ve prayed for my husbands safety daily as he is away…and have prayed for God to be a refuge for him.

Moving into 2012, I am filled with expectation. I have some major changes in the works for myself, and hopefully some major changes for my family and home. I will need more time to truly consider my word for 2012…but I will post when I find it. Here’s a song to leave you with…a song of Refuge.

The House

photo credit:Meg Crossley

So God is trying to show me something. And I can’t fall back asleep until I
write it down.

There is this house. A rundown house in shambles. Its a
mess. The previous owner trashed it. A man sees the house, looks within it, and
sees the beauty underneath all the filth. He sees the potential in this
house. He wants the house. He sacrifices so much for this house and He
buys it. He lovingly restores the house, putting blood, sweat and tears into the
restoration process. He salvages what He can from what He has to work with, but
only salvages the things that are of the most value. He trashes a lot of things
that just don’t belong in this particular house, things that are not original to
this design of the house. He restores the beautiful old wood floors, tears down
the ugly wallpaper, brings in a new bathroom but leaves the old claw foot soaking tub.
The kitchen, the heart of the home, gets an entire overhaul. It is
stunning.

Do you see where I’m going?

Now this man gives this
house to his kids for them to live in. He gives complete control of the house to
them, but He still owns it. The new tenants are aware of how beautiful this
house is, but aren’t aware of all that was sacrificed in order to make it as beautiful
as it was. They saw the before pictures, and they see the new house now, but
they don’t fully understand what was given in order to make this house beautiful
again. The Dad comes to visit on a regular basis at first, but then the
invitations for Him to come over stop coming. They begin to neglect the house.
It doesn’t happen overnight…they don’t trash the place; they just start to
neglect cleaning it, and fixing it when things break down. They let other things
take up all of their time and they don’t make time for the house. Over the
years, it becomes filthy, run down and broken. The kitchen that was pristine, is
now a dirty mess. Then the owner of the house, their Father, comes for a visit.
What do you think His reaction is? How do you think this makes Him feel? Is He
justified in kicking his kids out for gross neglect of His beautiful
house?

Our lives are like this house. God is longing to take the broken
and make it beautiful. He sacrificed it all, His son Jesus, on the
cross. So we could have a new start at things, so we could live up to our true
potential. And yet time after time we fail to “clean house” in so many areas. We
begin to let the dirt and filth into our “house” a little at a time. After
awhile, we don’t even see it. We are so blind to it. We look at other houses and
say to ourselves, “My house isn’t nearly as bad as their house. At least my lawn
is nicely mowed and I have beautiful landscaping. At least the outside
looks nice.” What about the parts of the house that no one else sees? What about
the furnace, the insulation…are there termites living in your
house?

3 To all who mourn in Israel, he will
give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive
praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
that the Lord has planted for his own glory.
4 They will rebuild the ancient
ruins, repairing cities destroyed long ago. They will revive them, though they
have been deserted for many generations. Isaiah 61:3-4 (New Living
Translation)

God is trying to show me in such a practical
way that I am neglecting my house. I’m neglecting my relationship with Him. I’m
not allowing the broken things to be fixed and restored. I’m not taking the time
to not only keep my house beautiful, but to add new beauty to it. Someday my 3
beautiful children will inherit this house. They are seeing the way I take care
of my house, and they are learning lifelong lessons. Will they learn to clean on
a daily basis, or crisis clean when company comes over. Will they learn to fix
the leaky pipe, or wait until a flood happens in the basement and they have to
call a plumber and cleanup crew.

15 “Though
you were once despised and hated, with no one traveling through you, I will make
you beautiful forever, a joy to all generations. Isaiah 60:15 (New
Living Translation)

This is how I want to be
remembered. I want my life filled with Beauty and Joy.

Less is More

The first life principle Joel taught me when we were married is, It’s better to have more than enough, than not enough. Although in certain cases this is true, like when you are having people over for dinner or planning a kids birthday party; It isn’t always true when it comes to stuff. Over the past 7 and a half years we have moved a total of 9 times. I can tell you I pretty much HATE stuff. I’ve gotten rid of so many things over the years with each move and I can honestly say there was only a handfull of times that I look back and say “I wish I’d never gotten rid of that…”. When we moved into this apartment it felt huge compared to the 2 bedrooms we were living in at my fathers house, but alas once it was filled with stuff it felt as though I was suffocating. We’ve been here 15 months and over that time I’ve let more go, but still…our stuff is breeding. I need to come up with a good plan on how to displace this stuff from my home on a regular basis. God has been instructing me on the art of contentment. It doesn’t come naturally to me, I have to work at it quite often. Being content with my home, content with my clothes, content with the things, content with our finances, content with the toys my kids have…I don’t want to waste my life wishing and hoping for the next new thing, the next bigger place, more room in my budget. I want to learn how to be content subtracting when what I really want is to add. Do I want more space? Subtract some stuff. More money in the budget? Subtract some spending. More time with the Lord to dig deep and grow? Subtract some sleep. I want to know this practice so well, that it finally just comes naturally to me.

Simplifying

I am reading a LOT about simplifying my life. I’m focusing and planning more, and as I read so many things that other women are accomplishing, I am motivated. Here are a few of the ways my life has been changing (for the better)

• I’ve given up drinking soda at home. I’ve also given up buying drinks at the store, except apple juice and milk. I now make homemade iced tea for Joel and homemade lemonade for me, and I can adjust the sugar and lemon juice to taste. We are also heading into summer drinking a TON of filtered water. I feel amazing lately because of this switch. (and we are saving money!!)
• I’m still waking up at 6am every morning to make Joel his coffee and lunch, but instead of crawling back into bed, I am staying awake, using the time before the kids are up to focus on my day, pray and read the Word, catch up on blogs (which helps to motivate me) and just waste a little time on the computer. So now by the time 9am rolls around, I feel like I’ve already accomplished so much (and had time to be lazy)
• Joel and I have come up with a menu plan that repeats every week. We will pretty much be having the same meals on the same days every week, with a few variables. When I grocery shop, I buy whats on sale in quantities that will last me 2 weeks to a month so I can make meals ahead, save money and time.
• I’ve incorporated a Family closet. I am blessed in this tiny apartment with a huge bedroom closet that was previously a disaster and used to store totes. I’ve since cleaned it out and put in a dresser for the kids clothes so I can put all their stuff away all at once. Our clothes get hung up and casual wear stays in a dresser in our room. This is going to be a time saver for me, and will hopefully keep the kids from pulling everything out of their drawers because they are bored!
• I’ve gone back to making my own laundry soap. For us as a family, it works out to be about 8 bucks for enough laundry soap for about 3-4 months. It’s passed the poopy PJ’s test on Micahs clothes, so I know its working good, too!
• I’ve made a simple daily and weekly cleaning list to follow, with the repeatable chores and what time of day is most practical to do them. I carve out specific time for myself, too, because I know I need to take breaks throughout my day or I will burn out.
• I have made a list of the Few things I know Joel really needs me to do, so that he can feel loved, cared for and respected by me. Each husband is different, each appreciating different things. Joel in a nutshell: Coffee and Lunch made for him, the living room and bathroom picked up so he can walk into a mostly chaos free zone after work, the house kept in a reasonable clean and clutter free state so we can move around unhindered and not knock things over all the time, having me not complain about my entire day, and making sure his ‘spots’ in the house remain clutter free. He hates clutter, but expects that with children there will be clutter. I’m just aiming to keep it to a minimum and have the toys stay in their rooms.

I’ve come to realize that even though this place is small, and we are hopefully moving into a bigger place around the end of the summer, I need to use this time as practice. Even when we have more space, it would be so easy to overfill it. I want to keep things simplified. I like visual simplicity in homes. I want room for life to happen.

"Stewing" on some things

I’ve been thinking, praying, thinking some more about some things going on in my head and heart, trying to gain understanding and insight. I’ll write about it soon, when it all comes tumbling out. Prayer would be appreciated as I’m going through all this stuff! Hugs to you, my dear friends.